Secrets that Destroy

Posted by Mindy Adams on November 10, 2012 | 0 Comments


You now know his secret.  Your husband is addicted to porn.

More than likely, you caught your husband looking at porn or you found it by accident on the computer.   You were hoping it was just a slip up, a wrong click of the mouse, a one time event.  But as time has gone by and more truth has been revealed, you realize it wasn't a one time event but an ongoing obsession.  The choice that you will eventually have to make is whether you should tell somebody or not.

Your husband, most likely, will not want anybody to know.  He may be telling YOU to keep it a secret.  After all, it is his secret not yours.  It's his to keep.  The truth is, you feel so shameful about this new discovery that you are okay with not telling anyone.  What would others think?  You begin believing the lie that it is best for nobody to know.  It could destroy the "perfect" christian family image that you portray to those around you. So you hide your pain.  You put your mask on every time you leave your home.  You smile, determined to not let anyone see your wounded heart.  You pull back from others.  You seclude yourself, so fearful that those who know you best  may catch you at  a week moment and see your brokenness. You make excuses for not going out with your girlfriends.  You cry yourself to sleep at night. Nobody knows what it is like to be you. And part of you is just fine with that. The other part of you wants so badly to be heard, to be understood, to be free from the secret that has left your heart so painfully shattered.

What do you do?

Please, dear sister, do not do what I did.  You see, I did what my husband asked of me.  His secret became my secret.  I went way too long without telling anyone. His shame became my shame. Despair surrounded me.  I was dying inside. Keeping his secret only gave more power to the enemy.  My husband remained in bondage and those chains attached to me as well.  The lies I began to believe about this addiction and about myself, became so deeply rooted that it has taken years to remove them.  I am not saying that when the time finally came when I decided his secret could no longer be a secret, that my husband was delivered and life was good.  No, that did not happen for a while, but what did happen was as this addiction was brought to light, it lost it's power to not only destroy my marriage, but to destroy me, as well.

If you are a follower of Jesus then you know that everything happens for a purpose.  So, why was your husband's sin exposed?  To hurt you?  To hurt your husband? To destroy your marriage? No, dear sister...that is the farthest thing from the truth!  God does not expose our sins to hurt or to harm us but to deliver us.  He desires an intimate relationship with us but when we are bound by sins, that can't happen.  The truth is, your husband can never be the man God created him to be as long as he continues to live a life bound by a secret addiction.

 SO, you must choose. Will you tell or not tell? Will you reach out for help or will you continue to stumble in the darkness allowing this secret to destroy your heart and home?

Think about this;  Do you think God exposed your husband's secret only for you to hide it?  Seriously, what good would that do? You are not equipped to handle this.  Your husband needs outside help.  He needs to be rescued.  I understand, he may not want that. At least not at first.  It is so much easier to keep it a secret than to confess.  He may tell you he will never look at it again. He may think he does not need any outside help. He may even tell you that he is not really addicted to it.   That is the shame and pride talking.  His intentions may be good but if he keeps this a secret and tries to battle this alone, he will continue to lose.  He is trapped by the enemy, in a pit of shame and guilt that will keep him bound.   He needs accountability. He needs divine intervention beyond what you can give!

Keeping this secret will not only hinder the deliverance and healing that is available for your husband but for you, as well.  YOU shouldn't face this alone.  Satan will use it as a way to destroy YOU.  He will speak lies to you about this addiction and before you know it, you will be bound by chains of insecurity and hopelessness.  Even if your husband does not allow others to help him and he chooses to continue in his sin, YOU still need healing.  No matter what your husband chooses to do with this disclosure, God has plans for you and desires to heal  your wounds so that you can move forward with the life that He has for you!

SO who do you tell?

Please don't misunderstand me.  I am not saying to go tell somebody just to tell somebody but in order to get help for your husband and healing for your broken heart.  God brought this to light therefore, he will direct you in who you should talk to.  It won't be just anybody, but someone hand picked by God who will help you, not condemn you or your husband. Pray about who it is that you are to talk to and then go and do it.  It may be a counselor, a friend, a pastor.  No doubt, it will be one of the hardest conversations you ever have.  It will take COURAGE.  Just remember, it is not all about you, though you will benefit from it, but about the very soul of your husband.   Your husband may be upset at first...downright mad.... but if he is a man who truly loves God,  he will thank you later.  Even if he doesn't,  you will have someone to help you as you maneuver your way through the brokenness and onto the healing and wholeness that God has for you.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16

Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many counselors bring success.
Proverbs 15:22

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
Romans 12:19-20