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Secrets that Destroy

November 10, 2012 | By Mindy Adams |

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You now know his secret.  Your husband is addicted to porn.

More than likely, you caught your husband looking at porn or you found it by accident on the computer.   You were hoping it was just a slip up, a wrong click of the mouse, a one time event.  But as time has gone by and more truth has been revealed, you realize it wasn't a one time event but an ongoing obsession.  The choice that you will eventually have to make is whether you should tell somebody or not.

Your husband, most likely, will not want anybody to know.  He may be telling YOU to keep it a secret.  After all, it is his secret not yours.  It's his to keep.  The truth is, you feel so shameful about this new discovery that you are okay with not telling anyone.  What would others think?  You begin believing the lie that it is best for nobody to know.  It could destroy the "perfect" christian family image that you portray to those around you. So you hide your pain.  You put your mask on every time you leave your home.  You smile, determined to not let anyone see your wounded heart.  You pull back from others.  You seclude yourself, so fearful that those who know you best  may catch you at  a week moment and see your brokenness. You make excuses for not going out with your girlfriends.  You cry yourself to sleep at night. Nobody knows what it is like to be you. And part of you is just fine with that. The other part of you wants so badly to be heard, to be understood, to be free from the secret that has left your heart so painfully shattered.

What do you do?

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What Labels Are You Wearing?

October 29, 2012 | By Mindy Adams |

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When it comes to wives of husbands who are addicted to porn we often hear words like co-addict, enabler   and co-dependent.  Then we add a few labels of our own to the mix and before we know it, our true identity is hidden and soon lost amid the pain and brokenness of our circumstances.  No wonder our journey to healing and wholeness is filled with roadblocks and obstacles.

I find it disheartening that because you and I have been a wife of a  husband addicted to porn, we are given labels that bring MORE shame into our already broken world.  We can mistakenly perceive some of these labels as indicators that we are somehow partially at fault for our husband's addiction.

Because we love a man who is or has been addicted to porn, we are quickly labeled as a co-addict.   Meaning, we have an addiction, as well.  Not to porn, of course, but our addiction is to our addicted husband. This is our disease.  It does not matter that we had no clue of our husband's addiction when we began our relationship with him, we are automatically labeled and need to seek recovery. The good news is, there is no cure and the best to hope for is remission in which we must engage in for the rest of our lives. Really???

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False Security is No Security

October 17, 2012 | By Mindy Adams |

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Life was good! My husband and I were getting along so well. I had NO reason to believe that he was acting out again. All the signs I had learned to watch for were not there.  I believed my heart was safe.  I thought I had it all figured out. I was WRONG!  The fact is, the indicators I had depended on in the past, now had failed me.

You see, Over the years I had learned to read the signs. Signs that indicated my husband was secretly satisfying himself with porn. His attitude in general was different.  He was MORE angry,  MORE prideful, and showed LESS interest in the things of God. He was impatient and just plain irritable.  I am not talking about having a "bad" day once in a while, but an on going attitude that followed him until his sin was exposed.  Somehow, knowing those "signs" gave me some security to hold onto, especially when the indicators were nowhere to be seen.  I was confident that when those "signs" were not visible, my heart was safe and secure.

 The truth is, the security I had built around my heart was false security. False security that I held onto MORE than I held onto trusting God.  I felt so foolish.  My world came crashing down when the truth was revealed that my husband had learned how to "act" so that I would not suspect a thing.  The hurt and pain I felt was deeper, darker than ever before.  The security blanket that had become so comfortable and what I depended on, had left me uncovered, ashamed, and vulnerable.

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When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography

September 27, 2012 | By Vicki Tiede |

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Last January, I had the opportunity to be interviewed by Tim Challies on the topic of my book, which is slated to be released on (or about) October 1, of this year. Since then many women have contacted me after discovering that their husbands are addicted to porn and they are looking for answers.

If you are looking for help in this area, I want to give you one piece of important information; my book now has an official title. (This was not the case last January and "Mosaic Heart" was just the working title.) The title you will want to be looking for is When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography ~ Healing for Your Wounded Heart. New Growth Press is publishing my book.

Here's what you can look forward to ...

 

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