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"Sleeping" fathers

I am a mother of sons they are struggling with staying free of porn. Not sure the addiction level...but there is some addiction.

I have been battling this alone on behalf of my sons on and off for some years. Both were introduced while young outside the home.

I am not sure what I can do to help them. They both seem to desire to be free of it but don't know how. At least one struggles with believing that he can become truly free.

Their father is emotionally disengaged from this. He refuses to be involved. It has been grievous to me because they need men to help them. I asked men at our church to help but none would respond...not even pastors. No one will talk and this stuff is taking down our fine young men (as well as older men/women/children).

I don't know what to do to help them...your website is great but I need to have information that is put in step by step form if possible because it seems quite overwhelming. Do you have any information for mothers (with absent fathers) who want to help their sons? or is there anyone personally to contact for a plan of action?

~a praying/battling/grieving/abandoned mom

Our ministry has also been disappointed at the disengagement of so many churches and of so many men as the flood waters of the epidemic of pornography have risen to disaster levels without the majority of the church even addressing it, much less providing rescue and shelter and safety.

I hope that these thoughts may be of some help to you.

1. Talk to your sons about these issues. Not just once, but let it be an open and running conversation. Not a lecture, but a 2 way conversation.

2. Ask questions. Let them ask questions. No matter how awkward. Let it be a dialogue.

3. Be as transparent as is appropriate, yourself. About your own struggles with sexual issues and questions etc. I know this is between a mom and sons so that would probably be different in many ways than between a father and a sons. That is why I say be as transparent as is appropriate.

4. Always show unconditional love no matter what revelations you hear in response from your sons. When they fail in the area of porn, lift them up vs. putting them down. Don't freak out and don't give up!

5. Don't just talk about why porn is not healthy spiritually, emotionally, and relationship-wise, but also talk about what is healthy spiritually, emotionally, and relationship-wise. Don't just focus on the negatives, but also focus on the positives and benefits of not watching porn.

6. Put a plan in place for when temptation comes. It will come. So, knowing that, what is my plan of action when that happens? What to do? Who to call? Where to go? If we fail to plan, we plan to fail. Now, we may still fail sometimes, but it will begin to be less often when we have a plan already in place.

7. Help them to identify when they are most susceptible to the porn temptation. Is it when bored? depressed? lonely? around certain friends?

8. Help them to learn to guard their hearts and minds with God's Word. Now, we still have the choice to accept or to reject what God's Word says when we are tempted, but the more of God's Word in us, the harder it often becomes to willfully reject what It says.

9. Also let them know that when we choose to willfully sin, we are missing out on God's very best. Try to help them see God's best and trusting Him (hard sometimes) vs. our best as far as we can see (easy sometimes) and trusting ourselves.

10. As a practical matter, place all computers in the home in a visible open place. No surfing alone in a private room. Also accountability software. Covenant Eyes is very good. Anything like that to make private porn viewing more difficult.

This is obviously not an exhaustive list and all the points probably warrant further discussion and clarification. But I hope this may be a start to build on. I am sure others have advice as well.

Freedom Begins Here offers the DVD and Guidebook, Father + Son: Talk About Sex. Ideally that is for fathers and sons, but if the father refuses, it could be adapted to also help a mom and sons to deal with these issues. It is available online at this website. There are free previews available if you wish to check it out.

And finally, you may need to find a different church! If the pastor and other men in the church have refused to help you in this area, then it seems like something may be wrong there. At least, that is my initial thought. I would give much prayer to this if indeed that is the case.

by Anonymous, 1 year, 1 month ago
It's hard for men in a church, to address an issue, that they themselves have never decided to fight against. The greatest thing you can do is to be the parent. You control what comes into your home. It's not a skirmish, it's a war. There should be no pictures of girls on the walls, there should be no dvds, or tv shows that the plot revolves around sex. Me and my son keep the remote next to us constantly. We sometimes have to switch away from commercials that don't reflect purity. If your sons are Christians, they should understand that this is how Christ would want to find us if he came to visit. Don't allow any impurity into the home. You also have to monitor the type of music they listen too. I've thrown out pg13 movies because of nudity, or make out scenes. Computers are just part of a much larger problem. I think one of the best things a parent can do, is to read;"Every young mans battle." By Fred Stoeker, and Stepen Arterburn. Especially for a single mom. It will reveal a lot of things you may not be aware of. When your done with it, make sure your sons read it. It will explain to them why a life of purity is best. GOD Bless YOU...I'm praying for you.
by flash, 1 year, 1 month ago
I know men whom God has set free from porn. They attended Celebrate Recovery in Albuquerque at the First Methodist Church on Friday evenings. There they can share openly in a small group of men about their struggles. There is another Celebrate Recovery on the east side also that I believe is attracting younger groups. The ABQ church can put you in contact with them also. There is hope.
by anonymous, 1 year, 1 day ago
The reason Christian men don't want to talk to each other about porn is because it is KRYPTONITE to us! Just talking about it can create a Lust Storm leading to a full-scale PORN ATTACK!

Porn is less about sex and all about LUST. It's about changing how you feel. Porn stirs up lust and so creates a SUPERHIGHWAY to pleasure in the brain.

There is help. Check out "Facing the Porn Plague."

God's Best for you.
by Tom Kaye, 9 months, 3 weeks ago

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