I see that you are in great pain, and I am so very sorry. I pray that there is an accountability partner out there for you. Have you asked a local pastor or sought out a recovery group in your area even from a church you do not attend? Please do not give up on this endeavor.
Believe it right now or not, you are very important. Your experiences and story may be the very one that rescues another in your path because you did not give up. I realize it often feels like giving up is the answer because the loneliness or memories or pain is so great. But I ask you please, "Never give up on God, because God will never give up on you." And, if He doesn't give up on you, please do not give up on yourself!!!
Another verse to remember is one Paul wrote...and he had a very bad past...persecuting and seeing to the death of Christians...he wrote in Philippians 3:13..."I am not all that I should be, but I am focusing all of my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead."NLT
Please accept the forgiveness and grace that God gives you, and please look ahead to the future he has for you that you have not even yet seen.
I know this does not answer everything, but I hope that it helps. God really does care about YOU!