
MD4
Spouse of Porn Addict
My husband admitted to me that he was addicted
to porn almost 4yrs ago and he is just now finally
seeking help. I've spent the last 4 yrs trying to
do everything I can to make life easier for him so
he wont look at the stuff. Im frustrated and weary.
I've blamed myself. The only thing that has kept me
from walking out the door would be my relationship
with Jesus and my 4 children. I'm hurt and I feel
guilty. Actually my husband has accused me many
times of not forgiving him but its not true. I have
asked Jesus time and time again to take the pain
away so I can fully be there for my husband. I've
tried to push my pain aside for his but all I have
felt in return is that Jesus cares more about my
husbands pain than mine. I know its not true and I
have been seeking counseling and Im going to
continue bc I really want to move on with my life
and not let this addiction consume me everyday of
my life. Does anyone else know how that feels?

I DO know how it feels to feel so alone in the
battle...abandoned. It is difficult when your
hours are consumed in trying to get help for
someone else. When they seem to barely make an
effort.
I'm sure your counselor would tell you (if they
are wise) that you cannot change someone else. It
is awful when you want the person to change more
than they want to change. Especially when what
they do affects your life too. But it is very
true that trying to change someone else only
frustrates ourselves and depletes our energy for
more fruitful things.
My counselor has advised me to "get healthy
myself". I have read books on co-dependence and
boundaries which have helped some but I think a
good (Christ-following) friend/counselor is one
of the best helps. Someone who can encourage you
toward the LORD, pray for you, and help you to
see where your thinking is "off base". We all
need love and support...it sounds as though you
have poured yourself out to help your husband.
It's probably time to turn that energy back
around to invest in you. This is not selfish--it
is for your own mental/emotional and spiritual
health. In the end it will help not only you but
those you love.
These are things that I am working through as
well. My issues here are a little different, but
the struggles are very similar.
God bless you...and may you find the peace and
restoration that God offers to you.
by Look up!, 2 years, 5 months ago
Thank you Look Up, for your encouraging words and
good advice. I am getting help.
Thanks
God Bless You
by md4, 2 years, 5 months ago
I am in a similar situation, and would LOVE to
connect with other women who are going through
this. It is SO painful, and there just isn't a
place to go to have the support that we need from
other women. Please let me know if you're
interested in connecting online. If you'll send
me your email address, I'd love to write!
by Anonymous, 2 years, 3 months ago
I am a wife of someone who has been in this
situation for a very long time. Sadly, my husband
is a pastor and has great potential. However, the
addiction has a grip on his life that he can't
seem to overcome, no matter how much we pray or
seek God for deliverance. It's very hard as a
spouse to be in this position because the
addiction causes you to have low self esteem and
continually feel as tho you can never measure up
to the fantasies and lust that is assiciated with
this addiction. I am praying about starting a
website for spouses of porn addicts, because I
realize that I am not alone in this battle.
Praying for all spouses who are also dealing with
this issue in their marriages. It's a hard
battle. God bless!
by hanging in there..., 2 years, 3 months ago
I am a finance of a man that is a porn addict. He
doesn't think he is but he's been doing it since
he's been in college he is now 25 out of college
with no degree. ( he never graduated he got
kicked out for partying to much and not doing his
work in class. He tells me that i am over
reacting when i see things on the computer that
shouldn't be there i start shaking, my eyes water
like a river and i feel like i am going to get
sick. I have no one to talk to about this and no
one to go to that i can ask for help for him. I
don't think he is going to accept getting help
with this because he feels that no one can tell
him what to do. I know it's hard to quit
something I've been there i quit smoking for a
year and i had recently started again because of
the stress of having a child and the adult
website addictions he has. I just don't know how
much i can take of this it's driving me apart
from him...fast! Please help me help him.
by Chelsey, 2 years, 3 months ago
Chelsey...I am sorry to hear that your fiance
does not seem to want help. I know that no one
will get helped in this area unless they really
want to. It is a struggle even when help is
wanted. Without wanting it...well...
Please remember that you are his fiance and not
his wife. This will not get better after
marriage. It will probably get worse. So, if he
does not seem to care how this is hurting you
now, he will probably care less later.
The question you may want to ask yourself is,
"don't I deserve better than that?" "Doesn't God
have something better for me than that?"
If he wanted help and if he recognized the pain
it brings you and therefore wanted to change,
that would be one thing. But if he doesn't seem
to notice your pain or hurt and doesn't want
help, that is another.
Do you think that God may have someone out there
that will give you the love, honor, respect, and
care that you deserve? Wouldn't that be God's
will? To wait for God's best?
I pray that he comes to a point of major change
in attitude, but if not...again, is that God's
best desire for you? I can not answer that for
you, but I believe that deep down you know the
answer.
God loves you and wants you only to have His very
best!
by Rick, 2 years, 3 months ago
I understand what you are going thru. My husband
did it before we got married. Promised me it
would stop. We have been married a year now and
he is still doing it. Now he hides it and lies to
me. It is destroying me and my marriage. When I
comfronted him with it yesturday he told me it is
because I of the other problems in our
relationship. Also that I a so unhappy. He wont
go get help. He tells me he will change but I
have heard that for 2 years now. My advice is if
he dosen't respect you now he won't when you
marry him. I wish I would have got advice before
I married, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation
now.
by jen, 2 years, 2 months ago
I too know the feeling of being hurt in this way.
My husband is also a porn addict and lies to me
about it, Please, if anyone would like to be/have
a friend on-line, I NEED ONE!! I know I can't
change my husband, and I love him very much. But
I can't come through on my own, I need a prayer
pal!! I would so much love to connect with
someone who understands!
by Lianne, 2 years, 2 months ago
I too have a porn addicted husband who also lies
to me about it, I know i can't change him but I
can't come through dealing with this on my own,
please, if anyone is interrested in becoming a
prayerpal and penpal, please, I need to connect
with women who feel what i feel so we can
encourage each other NEVER to give up hope!
by Lianne, 2 years, 2 months ago
Just like the other sender Jen my husband was
also indulging in porn, magazines and just any
woman who was willing to write sex things to him
before we got married. I thought it was a passing
phase. Here I am 20 years later, with very little
that resembles a marriage fighting the same
battle of pornography. Once or twice I have the
courage to confront even encouraging him to get
help. But there has always been something that
makes him not continue therapy. I get the small
doses of how its partly my fault. There is always
a reason that I do not really understand. But now
after almost embarrassing myself with begging for
intimate attention, he decided or realized he
prefers the other not me. Even he admits he likes
it.
With very little self esteem, sadness,
loneliness, feeling of being deserted, I have
decide to move on. As I mentally prepare myself I
know its for the best. Looking forward to no
anxiety when he sits in front of his computer or
blackberry. A life were I do not have to feel
like I do not measure up. All his work traveling
does not have to bother me anymore. At this
moment I cannot help to feel sorry for him.
by rosepose, 2 years, 2 months ago
I have been with my husband for almost 12 yrs now
and of that we have been married going on 8. I
recently told him that he is addicted to porn
when I started to realized that he lies to me
about it and goes out of the way to hide it from
me. it used to be that i didnt worry about it.
He's a man, all men look at it from time to time.
I even watched it with him thinking it could help
the marriage. But lately it's making me feel like
he has some kind of sickness. I caught him
watching one night (he didn't know i could see
him)and when he realized i was about to come in I
watched him get off the site and erase the
browser history. Why was this called for? so I
asked nonchalantly as I could so whacha doing
bae? he replies nothing. So i ask wacha looking
at, he replies nothing just checking on some
flights. Now that just pissed me the hell off!
can someone please tell me if I should be as
concerned as I am?!?!?!?
by GettnTired, 2 years, 1 month ago
Chelsey, get out now. He doesn't want help. I
found out about my husband's addiction 6 months
into our marriage. I was physically ill with the
discovery. We were both raised in Christian homes
& we'd dated for 3 1/2 years before marriage.
His secret hit me like a ton of bricks! I can say
with absolute certainty that if I'd known then
what I know now, I would not have married him.
We're going on 11 years of marriage and porn has
repeatedly & increasingly torn through it. At
this point, I am only here for our children
(which I had in hopes that they would motivate
him to stay clean) -- I don't want them to have
to deal with divorce and I don't know what else
to do. I can be his friend & roommate, but at
this point, I really don't want to be his wife.
by Momof3, 2 years, 1 month ago

First of all, I wanted to thank you for your
courage to share. You are in the right place. I
am praying and believing that Freedom Begins Here
will start a ministry for the wives of porn
addicts. I, like you, have felt so alone in my
pain.
In May I will be married 18 years to my best
friend and porn addict. It has been such a long
road. No one talks about the damage porn
addiction causes the wives. Everything out there
talks about how to help your husband through his
addiction. Well, if most women are like me,
that's the last thing you want to hear when you
are so wounded. I feel your pain and you are not
alone! I understand! I've been there over and
over again. Please go to the "stories" section of
this site and read my testimony. One thing I want
to tell you is to please believe me when I say,
you ARE good enough. Its not your fault. Your
husbands porn addiction is not about you! Satan
wants more than anything for you to believe his
lies. Pray for God to block your ears from those
lies. Pray for God to feed you truth. Run after
God! Find out who HE really is. Search your bible
to find out how special you are to God. Pray and
ask God to show himself to you in a personal way.
Search the concordance in the back of your bible
for help. Write down what you find. Also, journal
what you are feeling. Please know, God is crying
with you!
Jenni
by Jenni, 2 years, 1 month ago

Although I do not wish upon anyone the pain and
misery I've endured with my husband's addiction,
it is somewhat of a relief to know that other
women are struggling with the same pain that I
feel. I caught my husband viewing pornography
when I was 8 months pregnant with our first
child, over three years ago. A few months later I
found out he had been chatting on-line with
another woman and the chatting was sexual. He was
regretful, full of remorse and we even saw a
marriage counselor for a few months. We are both
christians who love God. My husband repented of
his sin and I thought he was "recovered."
Recently, I found out he's been viewing
pornography again and has been chatting on-line
with another woman. My husband is seeking help.
He has indicated to me that satan has trapped him
to believe that what he is doing is justified
because he's not physically having an affair. He
knows the lies are wrong and wants to get help. I
understand the hurt, pain, confusion, bitterness
and anger that the other women have shared. I am
9 months pregnant with our second child and go
through emotional torment on a daily basis.
However, I'm coming to grips with the fact that
this is not my fault and that it is only Jesus
and his unconditional love that can change my
husband. I tried to change him the first time and
it did'nt work. Please know that when we demand
answers, continue to question and condemn our
husbands it encourages them to live in secrecy.
If anyone would like to have an e-mail friend, I
would love to share and hope to be a friend to
someone in need just as I am. My address is
kjc2b@hotmail.com
by Kristin , 2 years, 1 week ago
I am the person that posted this comment in the
first place and I wish I could say things are
better but there not but I'm getting better. I'm
learning to abide in Jesus and allow his comfort
but I could use a friend like most of you. my
email address is
mandy42009@gmail.com.
My name is Mandy. I hope one of you see's
this.
God Bless you all.
by MD4, 1 year, 11 months ago
my husband is addicted to porn! we went to a
hotel(approx 15 min from my house) to celebrate
my daughters birthday with some friends and my
husband is oncall at all hours so he said he had
to leave to go to a call. He did and the moral of
the story is when we went home the iron cords
were by the computer in wierd knots, so he made a
pit stop by the house to do what with the cords?
I'm mortified. I have a 8 year old little girl
that I'm afraid is going to walk in on him. HELP
what do I do at this point?
by klyfoxx, 1 year, 11 months ago
Klyfoxx
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its
so hard to know what to do. I know my Pastor has
been a great help to me and even my husband who
decided that he needs help and is getting
counseling. I have to tell you that I was
reluctant to ask my husband to get help bc I
didn't want to be judge mental. But Pornography
is very serious. I finally sought help a year
after learning of my husbands problem. Maybe its
beyond you asking him to get help if you have
already asked him. Are you close to your Pastor
or another christian man who you and your husband
trust? I know that it has taken 4 years for my
husband to get help after telling me of his
addiction but he's been dealing with it for 24
years. And we are only 30. I will pray for God to
give you wisdom to know what to do and how to do
it. It breaks my heart to know that others are
going through this. My email is mandy42009@gmail
if you need to talk.
by MD4, 1 year, 11 months ago
Thank You Mandy for all your kind words and
wisdom. I will reach out to you. We have been
married 18 years and he is a wonderful man with a
addiction.I don't want it to ruin our marrage or
the relationship of him and my daughter if she
were to catch him.I'm thrilled god lead me to
this site!
by klyfoxx, 1 year, 11 months ago
My husband was doing porn before we got married
but I didn't know it. For 14 years of our almost
20 year marriage he was doing porn. He never knew
i knew, I didn't tell him because I was scared to
confront him. When I finally told him I knew he
came up with every excuse in the book. He has
been out of it for 6 years, but it still hurts so
deeply. He has moved passed it and doesn't
understand why it still affects me. I don't
really either. I have chosen to stay with him,
but I am miserably unhappy. His sexual comments
are no longer cute or funny. No one in my life or
his knows of this.
by Anonymous, 1 year, 11 months ago
I feel guilty bc I can't trust my husband. I'm
frustrated with myself bc I feel like I am not
pleasing God bc I'm hurt and I cry allot. I keep
telling myself that I should already be over it.
I've spent the last 4 yrs ( we've been married
for 9) on my knees begging God to change my heart
and make me in love again. I love my husband but
somethings missing at this moment in time. I just
feel so guilty, like I'm not a christian bc I
can't trust him. I'm so tired of it. My husband
makes allot of sexual jokes and touches me
inappropriately in front of my children. And when
I call him on it he says I'm no fun. He still
accuses me of not liking sex and he ask me to so
things that I feel like are not appropriate. I
just don't understand what I'm supposed to be
doing? I've spent the last 4 years walking on egg
shells and trying to make life easier for him so
he wont get back into Porn but he is. I feel like
I have lost my relationship with Jesus bc I come
to him believing that I am disappointing him bc I
am failing at being a Godly wife. I feel consumed
by his addiction. I'm angry and sometimes
depressed. I just told my husband about my miss
carriage I had at 17. He said he wants to be
there for me but when I try to talk to him he
shows no interest or he wants to comfort me with
sex. I have allot of guilt from that situation. I
never told anyone about my miss carriage until 2
months ago when I realized that God wanted me to
deal with it. I have told my Pastor and 3 best
friends but nothing. My life is such a mess and
out of control. I am leaning on God and His
awesome Grace to get me through. I have dreams
and I don't want my life to be just about this. I
don't want to become consumed by my husbands
addictions. Sometimes I wonder if I am reacting
in a normal way to my husbands issue? He never
keeps his promises. I hope he sticks with
counseling he has been twice in the last 2 years.
I want to be healed and have a life in Jesus no
matter what happens. I love Jesus more than my
situation and even my husband but I feel like I
give my situation to much time and energy. I want
to live not just survive.
by MD4, 1 year, 11 months ago
I need some wise counsel. I recently discovered
that my husband once again has been looking at
porn on the internet. He is seeking help this
time for real but I dont know if I can stay with
him because of the nature of the porn this time.
It wasnt just grown women this time.I found
disgusting videos in the windows media player.
Please I need some help. I am very afraid. I was
a victim of sexual molestation in my own life for
10 yrs and now im married to someone who is
sometimes looking at children. ive read a lot of
stories of men and porn but noone says anyhting
about the type of porn being viewed. Is anyone
out there going through what I am? I dont want
his life to be destroyed or our families life. I
dont know what to do. someone talk to me!!!
Please!!!
by Anonymous, 1 year, 10 months ago
I'm in the same boat, i'm so lost. My husband has
always been into porn but now it's an everyday
thing. We have two boys and now we have a
daughter that is a yr old. He spends his time on
the family computer watching porn, he keeps
saying he's gonna stop but i keep finding porn on
his history. I'm so tired of this, i'm thinking
of just leaving him but that would greatly hurt
our family, especially because i need all the
help i can get, our eldest son is disabled. What
do i do? He just says he's going to stop doing it
but it's just a bunch of lies. Someone please
help, i need some advice.
by Anonymous, 1 year, 9 months ago
I am a sex addict. I have been sober since May 13
09. I was single 32 years. woman after woman. My
counselor told me this started the addiction.
Used pay per view,periodically Met a wonderful
woman. Married her. Best friend. Introduced to
porn site. Was addicted immediately. Acted out
,had two flings. Did not know or educated about
sexual addiction. Wife told me to leave. Got
immediate help. SoulCare director at church,
enrolled me in Sex Addicts Anonymous. It saved my
life. My wife did not stick it out. Filed for
divorce in 30 days. God has forgiven me, redeemed
me, and has radically changed me. It is not about
the spouse,it is about the addict.It is to
understand not to be understood. I have been
honored through God's grace,to share my
testimony, with 3 groups. also,very involved with
Divorce Care at church. Have now become one of
the leaders. God is very good. He loves us. I
will be an addict the rest of my life, but with
God's Grace will be a sober addict. Jeremiah
29:11
by Robert Gill, 1 year, 9 months ago

I knew my husband looked at porn before we got
married and I was completely honest with him in
telling him how I felt about it. It boils my
blood when I see pictures like that and knowing
that he was pleasuring himself looking at other
women. We have been together for six years and
married for 3. I have caught him time and time
again looking at porn and the last time I caught
him about 2 years ago I told him I would leave
him if I caught him again he said he would stop.
He didnt....Just this Sunday 3 days ago I caught
him looking at porn we have two little girls a
one and two year old. I came home and he had just
gotten home from work. he was looking at pictures
on the computer and turned the computer off the
wrong way. I walked in the door he gave me a kiss
and hug grabbed our two year old and hugged her
then said I he had to take a shower he just got
home from work. I went into the bedroom to turn
the computer on which I found odd that iwas off
when I had it one before I left. Anyway the
pictures were still on the computer and when I
went to comfront him in the shower he was
finishing himself off. Any normal man would of
felt guilt right after looking at the pictures
and he acted like nother was wrong when he kissed
me but he didnt feel guilty he went right into
the shower and finished himself off!! HOW DARE
HE!! Then to only find out the next day that he
had cheated on me twice right before we got
married and had a few touchy feely instances
DURING OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!! he felt he had to
tell me know so he could clean himself of all the
lies which I understand he wants to get help and
go to counseling for himself and together. not
only has my husband been lying to me for six
years about looking and fantasizing about other
women but for 3 years has kept a secret that he
has cheated on me twice. HOw can he love me yet
keep something like that for me and not feel any
guilt about it. Also when he was coming clean he
told me of all his stashes I never in my mind
thought he had porn stashes around the house I
thought it was just the internet but he had all
together in three different hiding spots 9 dvds
and 2 magazines IN OUR HOUSE!!!!! If I didnt have
my two girls I honestly am scared to think of
where I would be right now. its been three days
since all this has come out and I have not eaten
or slept and I have woken up with swollen eyes
every morning sick to my stomach and vomiting!!!
I need some help and words of wisdom I love him
so much and I just want to be happy with him and
not feel this pain. I want so bad for him to just
hug me and comfort me but at the same time I just
cant look at him or stand him touching me but he
is the one that is suppost to comfort me when I
down like this but he is causing it. I dont know
what to do and im scared of losing my family!!!!
by Jen, 1 year, 9 months ago
my husband has been addicted to porn before we
were married and I have been open and honest with
him from day one about how I felt about it yet he
continued to do it. We had continous arguments
and fights about it when I would catch him we
have been together for six years and married for
three. the last time I caught him was about two
years ago and I told him if I caught him again I
would leave him this past sunday I caught him
looking at we now have two little girls ages one
and two. I came home from visiting my parents
with the girls walked in the door after he was
just looking at pictures on the computer he
kissed me and grabbed our oldest and gave her a
hug then said I gotta take a shower I just got
home from work. I went in to turn the computer on
which I thought was odd that it was off because I
had it on before I left he turned the computer
off wrong and all his pictures popped up.
imediatly my blood boiled and I ran in to the
bathroom to confront him to only find him
finishing himself off to the thought of
everything he was just looking at. How am I
suppost to believe that he has any guilt or love
for me when he should of felt guilty immediatly
after looking at the pictures then seeing me and
our children but no he went and actually finished
himself off!!! After I kicked him out all kinds
of lies came out. The fact that he cheated on me
right before we got married TWICE. and had
multiple touchy feely instances while we were
married. and to only find out that he had three
stashes of porn in OUR HOUSE 9 dvds and 2
magazines. and this whole time he has been lying
to me about everything!!!! I dont want to lose my
family and I love him so much thats why it hurts
so much but how can I believe he has any love for
me when he could keep these secrets from me for
all these years and to look at my in my eyes and
just not tell me or feel any guilt for it. My
poor little girls see me cry every day now I wake
up with swollen eyes and only a couple hours of
sleep for the past three nights and to wake up to
vomit because im so sick to my stomach and the
pain in my chest and the axiety attacks. I
honestly cant even imagine where I would be right
now if I didnt have my girls here to keep me
strong. I am a stay at home mom and everyday I
have to wake up and push my hatred and pain aside
so I can be strong and take care of my precious
little girls. I cant get the images out of my
head of all the porn and the image of him being
intimate with another women right before he said
his vows to me HOW DARE HE!!!!! Please I am
begging someone to help me and comfort me. I want
so bad for him to comfort me and hold me and tell
me everything is going to be ok but at the same
time I hate him so much and am disgusted with him
I cant even look at him I dont want him to touch
me. He is the one that is suppost to comfort me
when I am down like this and yet he is the one
causing it!!! How am I suppost to make it through
this and make things work I can never picture
myself being intimate with him again. All these
years he has taken advantage of me and
disrespected me. I cant help but to feel like a
prop to his fantasy world of porn....
by Jenn, 1 year, 9 months ago
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